May 19th, 2007 by Steve
Met an older woman at a bar last night.
She wasn’t bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I’d ever had the ’sportsman’s double’, a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
“Mom you still awake?”
April 24th, 2007 by Steve
A study conducted by UCLAs Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
April 17th, 2007 by Steve
Our heart felt prayers go out to all of the victims, families, friends and associates of those who have suffered from the tragic massacre at the Virginia Tech University.
Erin Sheehan, who was also in the German class, told the student newspaper, the Collegiate Times, that she was one of only four of about two dozen people in the class to walk out of the room. The rest were dead or wounded, she said.
It is a terrible tragedy.
April 12th, 2007 by Steve
POSITION TITLE:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard is not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
April 10th, 2007 by Steve
One of my fans sent me this one yesterday. She said, some days a man needs his wife.
April 2nd, 2007 by Steve
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms include:
IT IS CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”
March 28th, 2007 by Steve
A friend of mine took a picture of a someone’s door mat. You can see it below:
I got a chuckle out of it. My friend said she would like to have one too. What’s really funny is what would possess someone to want one?
March 23rd, 2007 by Steve
I was reading through some news websites this morning when I came across the above headline, Violence study needs participants. The description of the article said:
A Maritime-wide research project looking into the effects of violence on women and children needs participants.
Hmmm! I don’t know anyone who would volunteer to be slapped around. Still, anyone interested in participating in the study can contact Dr. Kim Critchley at (902) 628-4300.
Before you do that, you might want to read the article. I could have misinterpreted it.
The important thing to remember when it comes to forgiving is that forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right; it makes you free.
—Stormie Omartian
How do we know if we need to forgive someone, something, or even ourselves? We know because we feel a gnawing sadness inside of us, although we may not know the cause.
The interesting thing about choosing not to forgive, is that it hurts us more than anyone else. Your inability to forgive anything or anyone in your world may hurt someone else a bit, but I guarantee it hurts you and your world a hundred times more.
As a visual example, think of two goal posts set twenty-feet apart. A more content and peaceful life rests just after the goal posts — all you have to-do is run through the twenty-foot space, blindfolded and voila, you will be closer to the life you want. It will be a little tough, granted your are blindfolded — but there is a big enough area where you should be able to break through to the other side with a few attempts. Unforgiveness is like an eighteen-foot wall. Place that between your goal posts and now try running toward that other side. Maybe you’ll get through. Most likely, you’ll get some bad bruises, or maybe a broken bone, and probably give up, believing that there really isn’t a space — just a brick wall. Like a wall, unforgiveness blocks our path.
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