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Imagine you’re a famed chef. Patrons come from near and far to dine on your delectable dishes. Your ingredients are all fresh and organically grown and your spices your own special blend. Each meal you serve up follows a strict process from chopping, sautéing, spicing on to either grilling or baking at just the right temperatures for just the right time to produce the perfect results your patrons rave about.

Interesting when it comes to cooking a gourmet dish we have no problem understanding how essential each step is and that they need to come in the proper sequence. That the baking can’t come before the spicing, that the grilling doesn’t come before the sautéing.

However when it comes to relationships we get the steps all mixed up sometimes and still expect good results! We think we can jump to step 6 when we haven’t completed step 2.

“I’m in love with a guy who won’t admit feelings, we’re having a baby together, what do I do? We still hook up every weekend…”

This young woman got the sequence all wrong. Her mistake was to get pregnant before she had a committed relationship worked out with her guy. They had not discussed any common purpose for their relationship and had simply fallen by default into a pattern of sexual gratification with no plans for becoming parents.

“I’m engaged to a man who drinks, smokes, and smokes pot every day… I do not think this relationship is going anywhere…”

She’s right. What was she thinking getting engaged to a fella who has a mistress, namely his addictions. Of course the relationship won’t go anywhere that’s going to bring the fulfilling results she dreams about in a future marriage.

“I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now, the problem is even though I live on my own he never stays when he comes over…”

Here is an all too common confusion between “boyfriend” and “spouse”. This woman is definitely jumping the gun and skipped the getting-to-know-you dating stage completely. She wants a bed partner and more, without any commitment or long term purpose laid out for their relationship.

“My boyfriend (off and on for 8 years) always wants sex…”

This good woman and her sometimes boyfriend have lopsided sexual encounters which don’t meet her needs in the least. However, she can’t seem to pull herself free or see the common mistake she has made for a long, long time.

“…we dated for 21 days. He calls when he wants to only. Sometimes not even one time a day. He doesn’t let me around his 5 yr old…”

The man is at step one, “dating to get-to-know-you”, while the gal is already way ahead at “going-together”. So the frustration is created by one cooking a gourmet meal and the other fast food. Satisfying results require both following the same sequence and steps along the journey toward the long term committed relationship we really all desire.

“6 years ago I meet a guy who was married he’s been back and forth with me and his wife. Three years ago I had a son with him…”

The tragic mistake in this situation is the pursuit of sexual and emotional pleasures with whom and when ever chemistry grabs us, with no thought for the steps or process that regulates relationship happiness.

Each one of these sad scenarios [all real life from our HELLO MARGRIT online advice column] could have been avoided if the couple had taken as much care in building their relationships as a gourmet chef. Unfortunately in each case they skipped steps or ignored sequences that lead to enjoying that scrumptious dish they each so craved.

What is the solution to this common mistake of jumping steps or getting them in the wrong order?

Like the gourmet chef knows the set process, so do we who are “cooking up” a mutually satisfying long term relationship need to pay attention and follow the process and order that governs success.

When we follow the steps or the process that direct a “gourmet” relationship we will end up with deliciously rewarding results.

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Margrit Harris, international relationship expert, speaker and author is co-creator of “Get the Right Guy for the Real You” an online interactive course to position the single woman to attract and keep Mr. Right for life. Visit http://www.gettherightguyfortherealyou.com

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